Look who’s living without that boy

I came across an old note I scribbled at a time in my life when I think I was heartbroken over someboy.
Reading through the note I chuckled and whispered to myself, “gosh this is silly”.

Right now I can say it was silly, but at that time when I was lying on the floor with my knees to my chin, my fingers digging into my back as I hugged my belly. At that very momment I thought I was going to die.
I thought I couldn’t live without this boy.
I recall all the sleepless nights when I felt my heart bleed, my tummy growled with hunger but I couldn’t get anything to stay down

I was the kind of gal that would cry myself to sleep, wake up in the morning with a smile, go through my day always giggling and laughing about sometbing with a friend or 2, and not be able to share what I was going through with anyone. I imagined I would be laughed at, “how can you cry over a boy”, “get over it”, “you are weak”…just the voices in my head and I feel this bad. Imagine what an outside voice would make me feel. So hush I would go with my pain.

Here I am now laughing to tears at myself.
“Remember how you said you wouldn’t live without him….Well look who’s 30+ now and happy”.

But in the past when that happened, that horrible heartache…I said I would never ever cry over a boy again. I held my heart in a protective gear and traded only the waters my legs could wade through.
I have never cried over a boy since then.
I hated what it made me feel like….worthless, weak, pitiful, angry, lost and the worst part….I missed out on so many other cute boys because I was focusing on that damn boy.

It wasn’t his fault though, now I can say this…I believe him when he said he never meant to hurt me.
It’s not like he chose to leave the country and go back home. Well maybe he should have told me as soon as he knew he was about to leave but now I understand….I guess he just didn’t know how to break a little smiley faced girl’s heart knowingly, instead without intending it or knowing it, he ripped my heart into 2.

Today we are friends and just now laughed about this all over a whatsapp chat. In the past we told each other that we would always be special to one another and indeed we are.

I can’t believe my heart broke that way, we can’t believe we are good friends to – date :).

So remember how you said you couldn’t live….look who’s living life now….It always gets better with time. You will meet someone that will make all this a story to tell and laugh about.

with ❤,
iamshen,
thehalfcastegal

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