One of my Uni friends, Annie, after almost 3 months came by my kitchen to visit me this Sunday afternoon.
Annie and I met in business school
I-was the kind of gal that just could not shut up in a lecture. Everywhere you found me, I was dropped in the midst of laughter with everyone around me always jolly good. You see, in my life I have seen and felt enough sadness and pain. I don’t want to ever keep around a gloomy face. I believe there is always so much to laugh about even in our sad, depressed, hopeless lives. I think we should always have and find reason to smile, share a joke, tease a buddy, laugh at each others problems and in so doing, we realise, life is not all that bad.
So I was never quiet, always giggling and laughing even in a serious lecture.
Sometimes I wonder how I managed to meet a high-class degree.
Annie-similar to I in so many ways but; always wore this “Am-here-on-serious-business”-kinda face. She made you think you need to grow up and stop finding life so amusing coz it wasn’t. … Ohhh how so wrong I was.
The first day we met was in an evening lecture. This one very evening, I happened to find myself squeezed next to Annie. With my other friends, we kept laughing and giggling so much at all-not so funny stuff. We laughed about the ebony skinned tall gal that wore the brightest red lipstick and confidently walked to the front of the lecture after arriving late, to the gal with a head round as a ball that my friend Junior worried if she fell down a hill, she’d just roll, to my friend Marvin ‘s clueless gape at space.
I know it seems like we were a bunch of mean kids in class making fun of others but it’s not like we never found ourselves on the other side of the jokes on some days.
So with all this joking, silliness and childish behaviour;- later on when Annie and I became friends, she revealed that she moved seats because I just would not shut up or stop giggling.
Honestly hat was so hypocritical of her considering from day 2 to date, she just can never shut up or stop giggling.
So Today Annie after almost 3 months of not seeing eachother, came by my kitchen with her 3 month old little girlie-Skylar and Annie’s boyfriend Tony.
Awwww you should have see Skylar, so adorable. And she seems to think she is still in Annie’s little womb;-yeah I think Annie’swomb must be little considering how tiny she is. She’s probably a size 8. I wonder how she managed to have that baby in her for 9 months.
Anyway Skylar still thinks she is in Annie’s womb. You should see how she still positions herself while breastfeeding. She clutches her palms and places her right foot across over her left just like in an 8 month pregnancy scan.
Seeing my little friend Annie as a mom was so adorable. I was filled with so much joy and love for most part of her visit. Every now and then though, i drifted away into a black hollow, my heart was filled with sadness. I was sad that I would have been like Annie 3 times in my life but no am not.
You see in the society where I have lived most part of my life, People avoid speaking about miscarriages. Sometimes they just feel less of a woman, ashamed or just don’t want the self pity – well for my case self pity is what I don’t like. I believe there are women out there that have carried babies to full term, only to loose them. And worse, there are women out there that can not convieve. I have read so many times online that we can not compare the pain of loss of a child born or unborn from one mother’s to another’s. But I think it’s better for me when I believe there are worse hurting mothers out there that have felt more pain than I have. On top of all this, call me ignorant or stupid but I am a strong believer in everything happens when they should and according to God’s timing and plan.
I don’t want to go into detail about my miscarriage right here in this post. I wish I said something about it to Annie. I really wanted to, i have longed to see her but I just can’t easily bring myself to telling anyone that I am in pain, that I am human and am breaking deep down in my heart. How bad I would feel seeing tears fill her eyes or ruin her sunday with Skylar.
A few months back at a friend’ house when we’re so confortably carried away in getting to know about eachother more, I unintentionally opened up about my previous 2 miscarriages. I guess it popped out after she told me about a pregnacy scare (this turned out more real than just a scare) – that she had about 5 years ago and lets just say the baby after almost 4 months didn’t come to be. Sometimes I think about her kid as well, wondering what a 5 year old boy she would have now.
At times I get caught in a rude stare at little kids and think, “my son would be this age, maybe my son would be in daycare now, maybe I would be breast feeding, maybe I would have full time company now, maybe I would be a hot mama right now”. How my life would be so different.
Sometimes I think maybe because ever since I can care to remember, I always obsessed over adopting a less fortunate child that needed a mommy, that needed me, I fear that I jinxed having my babies with me. Sometimes I wish I didn’t reason the, “am-not-ready, the I-don’t-have -enough-money theory.
Someday in a post I will open up about my full experience. This will be a testimonial post. Forget society and the shut the door about such private stuff – beliefs. When I was going through what I did, I wished I would find someone on or off line with a story similar to mine just to get a little ray of hope and comfort but not much. I then thought someday I need to share my story just incase a pretty little sad woman out there may stumble upon it and not feel alone.
At the end of Annie’s meal as I waved goodbye I just thought, I better be a great aunt to that little bundle of God’s awesomeness.
When you see her one day and think she is cute, well you may have to see her aunt Shen; just as cute 😉