It’s about 1:30am and I can’t seem to catch sleep despite having been up since 4am.
I am not worried at all that I can’t seem to sleep. This has happened to me before.
I have moments in my life when I loose myself in so many things.
When the hidden Shen pops up and messes up a few things here and there. I must say I enjoy the mess for a while. The tension, adrenaline, hormones all on a trampoline.
And then the time comes when that hidden Shen just needs to get tucked away in bed-a safe place and I have to get back up to the real me.
So this hidden Shen that I let out has been tirelessly running things for a while. But now I need to get back out and when I begin to loose sleep and stay up at night sorting out my mess, I know am just like a computer that crushed, about to get reset.
They say a woman that cuts her hair, is about to change her life. That is true but I think that comes with a really big change. In my case my change just requires a hair change. Maybe desert my natural Sisters and go relaxed or pop out the crazy wild Shen with a long black luscious mohawk.
Still haven’t made up my mind, besides my reset button hasn’t been pressed yet.
Going back to the mess, I have alot on my mind ranging from the lessons I have learnt through my close to 9 months in the food business;. Thing about me is that I give myself room to mess up. Iam not afraid to err. To me it’s sort of a click to reality check.
Then am thinking about my not so great relationship with my dad which frankly speaking am about to stop trying to understand and just accept that the first cut goes deepest and he is mine.
Then am thinking about my grand dad that I have been too busy to visit. This is what am hating the most about myself. It’s eating me up every single day. I just can not stop thinking about it.
Then am thinking about my friends and wondering if those that say are my friends are really being real. I have spent many years of my life surrounded by hypocrites and yet I still believe in the smiles on faces. Something I got from my mum. She was just a believer in goodness.
Then am thinking about the wedding this weekend and wondering how I still haven’t picked out an attire. I seem to have a bad habit of doing things last minute.
And then there is my blessing. The ones I never really worked much for. Am asking God what good I did in life for him to bless me with such awesomeness. I must have done something good that impressed God so much. I wish I knew what it was because honestly speaking I think he’s given me more than I deserve.
All that going through my mind and in between, I have washed all the dishes, done the dirty laundry, mopped the house, sorted out my clothes for charity and now about to balance my business accounts.
Toward the end of this article, I realise I surely need to reset. Get my act back together. Get the people that truly appreciate my existence in their lives closer, take a hint from those that have in so many ways shown me how less important I am to them, how done they are with me, cut down that list of “people in my life”.
For about 3 mins I stare at my book collection and think, Iam not really a book reader yet here I am collecting and reading these.
At the end of the article, Iam more than sure I am ready to get reset and think to myself, “whatever or whoever is meant to be in my life and wants it this way, will be and that’s happiness enough for me” 🙂
This is I and when I have crushed, it is reset time.